Cow Days
Well, Tom and Mary, are you ready to play for the grand prize?
We're ready, Bob.
- Any prize you're hoping for? - Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun.
- Anywhere would be great. - I wish you luck.
Here we go.
What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum?
Wait, wait. I know this.
The upper vascular hood.
I'm sorry, but you're absolutely right.
Tell them what they've won.
Put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado.
- Where? - Just in time for Cow Days...
...the world's 45th biggest carnival.
Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days.
You'll stay at the Super 7 hotel on Bernard Road...
...and enjoy festivities including prizes, rides...
...and the running of the cows.
Congratulations, Tom and Mary.
Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.
- What was second prize again? - See you tomorrow on:
What The Hell Is That?
S**t.
I am pleased to kick off the 14th annual South Park Cow Days.
Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cow.
And now the chairman of Cow Days.
This is a very special Cow Days because we're revealing our new cow memorial...
...which will live forever in South Park from this day forward. Release the curtain.
- This is ridiculous. - Now, this is our only vacation for years.
- We have to make the best of it. - You're right. We need to stay positive.
Now, get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and wonderful games.
Come over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes.
Wow, Terrance and Phillip dolls.
- Are those real? - Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
- Sure, they're real. Made in Canada. - Really?
They're even signed.
- Wow! - Dude, that kicks ass!
- How much to play? - $5 for three balls.
- Five dollars, Jesus Christ! - It's easy.
Put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth.
- That's easy. - Okay, we got a player.
Check it out.
- Damn it! - It's okay, son. You still got two balls.
Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt!
- You suck. - Then you do better.
Give me that.
- It hit her in the mouth. - It's gotta go through.
- But it- - Try again. Just $5.
- Give me some money, Cartman. - Yeah.
- Give me money, fat boy. - I only have $3 left.
Damn it. I'll try to get money from my mom.
Okay, everybody, it's time for the running of the cows.
- Mom, give me some money. - What are you doing here?
- I need $17 to win Terrance and Phillip dolls. - Get back into the carnival this instant.
- I will if you give me money. - Okay, here.
Sweet.
Okay, everybody, settle down.
You're anxious to get to the cows. Let me remind you...
...those who decide to run against the cows do so at their own risk.
I remind you that three people died at last year's running of the cows.
Let's rock 'n' roll!
Everybody ready to run?
Release the cows.
They're loose.
Okay, we've got $15. That means we get 9 balls.
I only need one, dude.
Come one, come all. Get in line now for the Chamber of Farts.
- What's that? - Dare you enter?
- How much? - Three tickets.
Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
- Is it like a haunted house? - Sure, it's very scary.
Each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like 2.25-
No, we have to win the dolls.
Come on, we'll still have plenty of money.
- You'd better be right. - I'm right.
- Keep your hands inside at all times. - Okay.
So the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh?
Don't be afraid, there aren't any ghouls here, only farts.
Goddamn it!
- What the hell was that? - Perhaps you need some more farts!
- Ride's over. - That was the dumbest ride ever.
- What kind of carnival company are you? - That scared me.
- That was a waste of money, Cartman. - You guys want a ride? It's seven tickets.
We can't. We're saving our money.
Kyle, will you relax, you pinkeye? We have plenty of money.
Come on, it will be sweet.
- This better be good. - This line is long.
- I think we're almost to the end. - We'd better be.
- Here we go. - Finally.
- Did you enjoy the ride? - What ride?
This was the line ride, a live simulator of a long line.
- You've gotta be kidding. - That's five tickets.
- Come again soon. - My ass, we will.
This is just my opinion, but the line ride sucked balls.
Let's not ride that again.
Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the ride?
- How much? - Just $3.
- That's pretty sweet. - You dumb-ass.
- What? This is cool. - No, it's not.
- Can I help you? - We're gonna try to win those dolls.
- Five dollars for three balls. - How much do we have left?
- How much do we have left, Cartman? - Three dollars.
- You said we had plenty of money. - Yeah, but I suck at math.
You son of a bitch!
We don't have any money left to win the dolls.
- Well, I'm sorry. - What are you gonna do about it?
Hey, I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him.
- Sir, will you take food stamps? - Sure.
Give him your food stamps, Kenny.
Come on, dude, I can do it. I'm sure.
Don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with your friends!
Okay, here we go.
- That was right on target. - Sorry, try again.
- That does it. Shenanigans! - What are you doing?
I'm declaring shenanigans. This game is rigged.
- What's all the hoo-hah? - I declare shenanigans on this operator.
- Why? - The balls are bigger than Hewitt's mouth.
If that is true, then your declaration of shenanigans is just.
What do you have to say?
The kid was close. He has another ball. Let's try again.
Here you go.
- You see? We have a winner. - It worked.
You can't go declaring shenanigans on innocent people. That's how wars start.
- Sorry, butt-baby. - Barbrady.
- I'm sorry. What did I say? - You said butt-baby.
Pick between the Barbie mirror and the Bon Jovi toothpick.
I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
- You gotta win seven times for those. - What?!
Win seven toothpicks, then trade them in for the dolls.
You son of a bitch! You never told us-
- Step on up, $5 to play. - Damn it, I have to have those dolls!
- This is hopeless. - Wait, I've got it.
The bull riding contest. Cartman could ride and win $5000.
Think about it, dude. $5000! That's 1000 set of balls.
That's 3000 balls. We'd have to win.
- What makes you think Cartman rides a bull? - Because you spent all of our money.
Get on a bull or I'm gonna break your f**king head open!
- Okay, I'll get on a bull. - All right. Come on, you have to practice.
- He really wants those dolls. - I guess.
- That ride wasn't very good. - You promised me we'd have a good time.
You're right. I'm sorry. I'll try and have a good time.
This is going to help you practice.
- This is sweet. - You gotta stay on for 10 seconds.
- I'll try. 10 seconds is a long time. - We'll start on the slowest setting. Go!
Son of a bitch.
- How was that? - That wasn't 10 seconds.
Damn it! You have to do better than that.
- You guys, my back. - Get back on. You have to practice.
Seriously, help.
Screw you guys. I hate you guys.
- What did you say? - I hate you guys.
- He said he wants a real bull. - I hate you guys.
Be careful with old Bob. He ain't much for riding anymore.
- He'll do. Cartman has to practice. - Have fun, boys.
- Cartman, you ready? - No.
Open the gate.
Goddamn, this is my kind of bull ride.
- That bull sucks, he's not even bucking. - This is sweet.
- What are you gonna do? - Hit the bull in the balls.
That's a good idea.
- That's better. - Hold on, Cartman.
Seriously, guys! Stop it! Stop this crazy thing!
Mother-!
Get up. You're still not staying on long enough.
Come on, Cartman.
Oh, my God! They killed Cartman!
No, we didn't kill him. He's still breathing. Get up!
Get up!
You okay, dude?
Cartman, hello? Hello?
We broke him.
- Your friend has suffered head trauma. - What's the matter?
Apparently he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Lee.
- Can he ride a bull? - What?
We need him to win the contest. Can he do it?
No, you need to let him get plenty of sleep.
Damn it!
Cartman? Cartman, can you hear me?
What?
- He's fine, dude. - You think?
Get his ass to the rodeo.
Damn it, we're not going to stand for this.
Whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you!
All right, how about this?
Whoever took the sacred cow just please return him, no questions asked.
You folks from out of town...
...you're the only ones with a reason to take our cow.
Where are we going to put a 60-foot-tall statue of a cow?
I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists.
Oh, my God!
- How's he doing? - He still thinks he's Vietnamese.
- Do you think he can ride the bull? - Yeah, I think so.
Soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy.
Soldier boy, me so horny. Me love you long time.
Go away, kid, you're grossing me out.
- Sucky-sucky! - Beat it, kid. Come on.
Come all, the Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopened.
- Jesus, dude. - Hey, where's Cartman?
Hell!
Go find Cartman. We have to sign him up.
It's so cold here.
- Where is that sheriff? We need water. - Let's try to make the best of it.
We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
Yeah, at least we've got our health.
I've never seen nothing like it.
- Where are they again? - Just right up over this ridge.
That's what they've been doing. More cows come all the time.
I ain't never seen this. When cows get together, it can't be good.
They might start forming a cult.
Cow cult.
Here's the granddaddy of them all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo!
Let's begin the bull riding event, grand prize $5000.
- Where is Cartman? - I don't know. Can't find him.
He's up in like 20 minutes.
There he is.
Sucky-sucky, $5.
There they are, just like we told you.
Okay, that's enough of that. You cows need to disperse.
All right, bad cows, do you hear me? Bad cows!
Ned, you're gonna have to bust out the whip.
Get along, little doggies.
Bad cows, stay. Stay.
Holy crow. Play dead, Ned.
- I reckon we should get some help. - I reckon.
- Cartman, this is gonna be cake. - Those dolls are ours.
Sucky-sucky, $5.
Up first, number 24, Jack McMac!
Three. Two. One.
That's gonna cost him.
- Up next, number 14, Ming Lee. - You give me $8, soldier boy.
Here we go.
- I'm having second thoughts. - What?
Maybe it's wrong to put him on a bull.
Let her go.
Hang on, Cartman!
This Vietnamese prostitute can really ride!
I guess she's had a lot of practice.
Ten dollar!
Ten dollar, soldier boy!
- She's setting a new world record. - Ming Lee. Ming Lee. Ming Lee.
- Dude, that bull's gonna kill him. - Go help him, Kenny.
- Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! - You bastards!
And this brave whore from the East has really put on a show.
The winner of the bull riding contest, Ming Lee!
Sucky-sucky, only 10 dollar.
We did it, dude.
Freeze, cows!
The game is over. You will now return to your respective towns.
You hear that? You're surrounded, there's no way out!
You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer.
Move!
Hey, where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow!
Dear Jesus, no!
No!
They're killing themselves! Stop, please!
Can't we do anything?
God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity!
This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in eight months.
- You boys are back again, huh? - Yeah, and we have $5000.
How many balls does that get us?
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna be nice and just...
...trade you the $5000 for the dolls.
- You will? - Why did you get so cool all of a sudden?
We did it! You see, Cartman, you won the dolls.
- Ten dollar? Sucky-sucky? - What should we do with him?
- What the-? - These are cheap rip-offs.
After all that? Shenanigans! Shenanigans! Shenanigans!
- What's all this? - I'd like to reinstate my shenanigans.
- This whole carnival is a rip-off. - I agree, these rides are stupid.
- Chamber of Farts isn't scary. - The food is terrible.
Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo. What do you expect?
Okay, let's calm down.
People of South Park, do you declare shenanigans?
- Yes. - Okay, carnival people...
...do you accept this decree of shenanigans?
What are you talking about? This whole town is screwy.
Well, that settles it. Everybody grab a broom, it's shenanigans.
- You found the memorial. - Yeah.
- And the cows, are they all back? - They're dead. They're all dead.
- What? - It was awful.
Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing. God!
Well, perhaps cows will learn cults are never a good thing.
I hope so, mayor, I hope so. God, I need a cold beer and a burger.
What's all the ruckus over there?
- Somebody declared shenanigans. - I have to run home and get my broom.
All right, you damned carnival people, in the jail with-
Aren't those the people we thought took the cow?
Yeah.
- Didn't we release them? - I forgot about them.
- Me too. - Oh, my God.
- You never had Tom and Mary in this cell. - I didn't?
In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.
I feel a lot better.
Although I could've swore they starved to death in prison.
- Say, Terrance, let's look for treasure! - Good idea, Phillip.
- What're you doing? - How are you feeling?
- Good, except I had the weirdest dream. - Really, what about?
I dreamt I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and you guys made me ride a bull.
And Leonardo DiCaprio gave me a spanking.
How did you guys win those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
Nowhere.
- You guys did make me ride that bull! - No, Cartman, that was just a dream.
Bye, Ming Lee. Thanks again.
Son of a bitch!